deep dish (II)

“It’s a new chapter. This can be a time to really learn myself again”, I try to convince myself. “Maybe it’ll be great to be alone”. Yet, the silence became deafening. I don’t know what it means to walk through these doors and only take care of me. No more "Can I help you find something? Did you eat, honey?” I noticed I began to water my plants way too much, or maybe they just wanted to be closer to the ground too. I don’t know how to fill these newly empty spaces. I was ready to lean into just about anything.  

I was talking about how I felt to my downstairs neighbor. After a few jokes and a babbling string of thoughts he began to mention how it could be nice to have a roommate. I didn’t really like the idea for many reasons, though I began to soften around the idea of not having to pay for everything. My quirks need not be explained to anyone... maybe they have a good sense of humor. I can't stand to clean a mess I didn't make... maybe they’ll keep the area really tidy. I don’t want to share any of my things... It would be nice to see someone newly experience something that is so familiar to me. I love to be in my solitude, though it could be nice to simply hear “How has your day been?” I’ve just...been. There is no convincing of anything left in me. A sleek pairing of silence and uncertainty... I give in.

I’ll just flirt with the idea. How bad can it be to just put an ad out? If I don’t like what I see I can always pivot. I have an empty room and maybe it would be nice for someone to see an affordable room available. I’m normal. I can be a good host. My place is pretty stylish. I live in a cool neighborhood. I keep art on the walls. My collection of plants grow. I hand pick every single pillowcase. I need no one here but me... I yearn to see all this beauty taken in.

I begin to type into the search bar.